Backspace

86 days.
6 hours.
4 minutes.

Since the last time I texted you

I start typing, yet again.
Trying to fit
Everything I feel
The chaos, the ache, the tears,
Into a single message
Within a limit
'1000 characters’.

I backspace, yet again.
There's so much hidden in the words we erase.
The empty chatbox, waiting to be quenched.
Have you ever wondered,
How does emptiness feel so heavy?

1000 characters aren't enough.
Words, aren't enough.

I want to tell you everything I have and haven't done all these days
The moments I missed you,
The moments I smiled,
Moments I barely managed to survive
Walking on the pieces of my broken self,
Discovering bits of me, I thought I had lost.
The nights I cried
Wishing you were here,
Wishing i could call
Waiting for you to call.
And hear your voice
Just one more time.

The days I wanted to scream at you
For letting me go
Days I wanted to whisper,
Tell you that I loved you.
Days I wanted to tell you,
You broke me.
Days I wanted to beg you
To fix me.

I wanted to tell you that Ma and Papa made up.
They smile a lot these days, and I try to smile along.
The other morning, I woke up to them
singing along to the radio, and I cried.
It felt like the home I once grew up in
It felt like I was okay again.
But I couldn't call you and tell you
That I'm finally smiling
After weeks.
And it didn't feel so okay anymore.
What does okay really mean? Can you just tell me please?

I finished that novel I was stuck on,
I managed to reach half way through your
'Must Watch Movies!!!!!' list
I learnt 5 different songs on my Uke
But
Who do I play them for?
I have reconciled with the quietness now.

It isn't easy for me you know?
It never was.
But I'm trying, aren't I?

I wanted to tell you I'm scared
I'm scared that I am forgetting you,
I'm forgetting us.
The memories seem to fade away,
As I try to hold on to them.
Your voice-
While you were laughing that night we went to India Gate.
Your hands-
around me those nights
When I shivered and cried.
Your annoying beard
Softly brushing against
My cheek.
Your eyes-
Dark brown eyes
Staring into me every morning;
Waiting for me to wake up.
Your smell-
I don't recall how you smell.
I want to
But I don't.
I don't.
For mom's washed your blue t-shirt again
And again
And yet again
Till it stopped
Reminding me of you.
I once told you, you smell like home.
How often do we change the connotation of home?
It hurts.
All of it.

But what hurts the most
Is that I can't tell you any of it.
The empty chatbox screams out to me.
The cursor blinks on.
How can emptiness feel so heavy, love?

I don't want to be stuck in a past
that doesn't exist anymore,
So I'm here on my staircase,
stuck on backspace instead.